Days Of My Life

One more day
Fighting today
May be a fat day
But i'm gonna make the best of the day.

Crap days
But i'd still soldier on with the day
For the sake of those who makes my days
For them i'd do my best today.

Fat day
Hiding away from the world day
Those are my worstest days
But i can choose to fight Rex and not let him ruin my day.

Good days
I can choose to turn bad ones into good days
Keep my head up and not throw in the towel just because it's a bad day
I will do my best to make it that way.

Blogging From Ward

I'm back!

Ok, not back at home, but back online, and just for a few hours. Quick update: i'm still in the ward after going in on Tuesday (it took ALOT of effort on N-Chick and M-Dude's bit to get me in). Dr Lee wasn't the happiest with me (ok, and for the 1ST TIME EVER, she ripped into me) but over the past few days, away from Binge Monster (and Rex being reduced to a nagging voice as opposed to a full-fledged taskmaster, dictating even my actions), i am able to think and mull over stuff.

I figure that it would be best for me to stay and stick with the treatment, even if it becomes uncomfortable or downright scary. Mind you, this is me, ME, speaking. Of course, Rex is screaming full-tilt to be let out and to be able to exercise and diet and everything.

One big factor of me staying put is also because leaving would scuttle all chances of continuing to work with Dr Lee (i figure that she is pretty pissed with me taking off and skipping all the appointments and stuff with her last year). Sure, she gave me the option to leave anytime (instead of absconding from the ward), but taking that option up would DEFINITELY disappoint AND infuriate her. As well as the parents, who have a lot invested in me finally recovering this time round.

I haven't been trying out hard enough on this recovery business (as Kareen and ShuZhen pointed out to me) since last May, and i figure that, if other people CAN do it, why not me? Being sick has it's plusses, but when it messes up with your relationships, your pals, your education...

You can say that i'm full of drive now. But there definitely will be times when i'm discouraged and need a hug bad. I know that i can't expect the road to being normal to be totally smooth and uphill all the way.

But heck it, i'd try. Or, do or do not, there is no try.

Prologue

Wrote this piece for The Ryanryan Files's 1st entry, and figured that it would be safe for posting here. Haven't posted a snippet from the private blog for ages, so i figure here's something to share before i get admitted to the ward today!

In the beginning, all was good. Then, dieting entered the picture, and Rex was born.

I seem to have a fetish for writing, and for good or bad (i can be REALLY rambly at times; you have been warned), i have left a trail of me all over the internet. There's Confessions of a Teenage Diet Addict (a journey of me thru the last months of anorexia and ending in the hospital), the retired Hungry Guy (a year in bulimia after weight gain while institutionalized for noncompliance in hospital), the retired Ryanryan Files (a deeper exploration of myself while trying to live life with bulimia). All in conjunction with my public blog, the Hungry Guy, with all the inane ramblings and reviews.

This begins a new lease of life for Ryanryan. Hopefully, of describing a life free from Rex. Maybe, a life, interrupted by an eating disorder, would spring back into something liveable, without the suspense of feeling my heart stutter from starvation or my stomach plunge from the weight of all the food that i've shoved in. Perhaps, the ghosts of Rex would linger with me. Or i may falter and be consumed by the obsessions of the eating disorder.

Life was not an soap opera before. But it sure feels like one now. And like any good soap opera, it needs its key characters. Here they are.

Ryan: that's me. Or you can call me Ryanryan. I'm usually the stereotypical happy-go-lucky person. On the outside, to most people, i guess. On the inside... Well, let's not spoil the story, because what you're reading from here would be truly what's going on in the inside.

Rex: the eating disorder inside me. There was a time when i was sicker and couldn't truly differentiate myself from the disorder. I'm far from recovered now, but i can honestly see when Rex (short for anoREXia) had a stranglehold over my life, my mind, me. Just recognizing that it does exist doesn't get rid of it; Rex is still very much a part of me and my mind and my life. Still, i long for the day our divorce becomes permanent.

Binge Monster: an avatar or aspect of Rex which terrifies me. Rex tells me that i must be in full control of myself at all times (at least, according to his definitions of control), or this destructive demon in me would be let loose. It's the sense of absolute terror like right before the roller coaster you're on plunges down a slope, when you realize you're not in control of what's going on around you. Flurry of tears and ripping pain, and the shredded boxes and containers of food around you, and the wrenching waves of guilt as you realize that it's YOU who have eaten the food, nevermind that it was Binge Monster in control when your hands tore into them.

Perhaps you may find this journal triggering. Or disturbing. Or hilarious. Or depressing. Or boring. Or entertaining.

I'd be frank and say that it's my love for writing that keeps me going. And that i need somewhere, a place, where i can be totally honest and open with and about myself. Maybe you might not agree with what i say here, but i don't hold it against you; even i myself change, and when i look back upon myself, a period of time ago, i disagree with some of the things i believed in.

Enough dithering; i have a big, empty canvas to spill my thoughts on. Let the musing begin.

Away In Ward 46A

Ryanryan's gonna be away for awhile, at the least, for inpatient treatment at SGH again!

It's kind of supposed to be a surprise thing popped on him, but hey, (cue paranoia and the Pink Panther music) Ryanryan KNOWS what's coming.

Anyway, it'd probably be a goodbye for 3 days, hopefully, since he'd be trying his best to lobby for weekend outings or leave, and if he does, he'd be back home updating the blog and saying hi to Spike.

Simple Versus Easy

Recovery is a simple thing.

Note: simple. Simple does not equate easy. Simple means that it is uncomplicated. Easy means that it takes little effort.

Recovery from an eating disorder is simple. I hate to rain on parades (and i realize that saying this makes me a hypocrite since i used to really want to try to be anorexic again when i was bingeing alot), but it really is as easy as making up your mind to recover.

The 1st time i heard that (from Gene, a really good pal i made in my 1st inpatient stay) i mentally scoffed at it. Like, how cliched can you get? But now, (not that i'm recovered; far from it) i kinda see the logic in it. I mean, without the faith to step out of my comfort zone, i wouldn't have poked at recovery. I'd have continued lying to whatever treatment teams come my way. I guess it was only being (more) honest with the SGH team after being handled by more, um, generalized teams did i start taking the 1st few unsteady steps on recovery.

And well, in many ways, i'm better at this point than last year.

Waxed Scalp

Something (blatantly) obvious which Ryanryan learnt the hard way: don't wear hair wax to bed.

Well, mom (as well as the hairstylist) has been telling me that for ages, but i always figure that they're exaggerating the point or something. But one recent night had my scalp itching in bed so bad that i threw in the towel and ran for the showers in the dead of the night (the water heater is off and the shower is damn cold, can!).

Plus somehow, wax left on the hair overnight makes it stiff (don't think dirty la, you!). Maybe it's the hair drying out from being plastered on a pillow, or something. But the dried out wax is all the harder to wash out the next morning. Which can be Bad News if your hair is the dry sort which doesn't stand up to repeat washings.

So don't wait for the itchies to start before zooming for the bathroom. Dear people (and me included), please dewax your hairdo before bed!

Staying Immature

I'm growing old!

It's quite a shock to muse about the future, then realize that i'm past my 18th birthday. To myself (and i guess lots of people), i always seemed sweet 16. Eternally bouncy (well, most of the time, that is), happy-go-lucky, and totally innocent. Hey you, stop giggling!

There's this theory about EDs being a form of control, of wanting to remain young and not grow up. And achieving that my physically retarding growth with malnutrition, and metaphorically by remaining in a child-like state (to be taken cared in an almost infant-like manner from the hospital bed).

And i guess, in a way, that description fits me. Yet in others, it doesn't.

I started losing weight to deal with a change in life, to symbolically separate myself from my fat childhood. Yet, the weight loss continued when i discovered that a 'grown up' and responsible life is just really scary. And the regression into a child-like being (i became totally dependant and scared of making any attempt to control my life) came about after my life was taken out of my hands with forced hospitalizations.

Hey, wait, i'm not trying to blame the psychiatrists or hospitals for putting me thru a major life setback. It's probably more of my own crazy personality. I found it really hard to get back on my 2 feet after control over every aspect of my life was taken away from me to force me up from a dangerously low weight.

It probably sounds really crazy and messed up to normal people. And i guess it is, or i wouldn't even be labelled as a 'crazy'.

OCD

Is it just me, or i tend to switch obsessions around???

Well, i kind of noticed this and it's driving myself nuts at times. One can kind of say that eating disorders are a form of obsession with food, with an almost mystical belief that somehow, one's life will be improved in some magical way if one eats only safe foods, exercise a certain amount daily, or lose a certain amount of weight weekly (or whatever we can come up with).

Its sounds crazy (and hey, i'm crazy, so it definitely should be crazy!) but there's an innate, primal belief in my head that by imposing order in one aspect of my life, the same orderliness will also occur in all the other aspects.

Anyway, there are times when i try NOT obsessing about food (which happens during some hospitalizations or periods when i'm REALLY motivated to get well) and invariably, i'd unconsciously latch onto something other than calorie restriction to obsess on.

Some of the crazy things i obsess:
-eating a 'perfectly normal' amount (which is crazy since there's no cosmically defined perfectly normal amount to eat!)
-brushing my teeth after every meal
-plan my day out meticulously in advance (and be really upset if it doesn't work out)
-reorganize something (books, hard disk contents etc) obsessively by whatever criteria i have at that time
-be convinced that something bad will happen (think Final Destination) and try to potect against it

Maybe it's some twisted aspect of me that imposes the obsessive rules on something, anything, once it discovers that calorie counting and restriction and macronutrient ratios and whatever is off limits.

Sign of a deeper psychiatric disturbance??? Ha, any more and i'm going to be a walking DSM-IV manual!

PS: heh, i broke tradition by not ALWAYS putting the pictures on the left! Secret obsession with keeping things tidy.